I am struggling constantly with the idea of mental identity. I’m afraid to come to conclusions because I feel like if I do, I won’t know it if/when the “right” answer comes along. I have a legitimate fear that I won’t ever come to any of these conclusions and I’ll always be waiting for something bigger and better or more right or more beautiful or smarter or whatever.
I think the real question is, is faith something you have to go for, or is it something you have? If the former, isn’t it SCARY to put your heart into something you can poke holes into, whether its a relationship or a belief or an idea of what I am or what I’ll be or ANYTHING. If its the latter, WHY DON’T I GET TO HAVE IT AND OTHER PEOPLE DO? It seems unfair that there are some people who just get to “know” what they think and I’m stuck, like many, many other people, talking themselves in circles.
Also, I project things I don’t like about myself on others. For example:
People who don’t think as much as me are dumb = I’m insecure about how little I “know” and how confident some people are with themselves.
I feel like if you think about it as much as I do you should think exactly like I think = I’m close-minded and an asshole.
People who are happy are dumb = I’m smart and unhappy so everyone should be, if they’re smart, also unhappy.
Conclusion: I’m trying to fix my brain. Here’s to success *