Seekers make up my closest friends.
Those who never seem to be relieved.
I am perhaps one.
Sure to claim no relief, but much to overcome.
There are parts of me that can’t wait to learn and grow.
Others feel the weight of the wide world and get stuck.
I’m on the outer-edges.
Some among my friends,
seem to have hit something like gold.
With no fear: true.
It isn’t that I’m afraid of being true, just that there won’t be a
single friend left after I’m through with the true.
Life blows up.
Music can be a
little lonely when you play
it always alone.
ALSO,
The world shivers but
from red rage, hunger, blindness
I need a sandwich
OR,
It’s always sunny
Rain comes but great<once>while
And people shit: bricks.
I check the stats on
my blahg. Rarely excited,
I often question
the validity of both
the lack and presence of you.
Also, I’m afraid of everything.
There’s something about
deciding that brings lightness
to the darkest spot.
It’s just like Christmas.
Perhaps this birthday isn’t
all it’s cracked up to
#becauseitsagoodreason
#todrinkandeatsomehotdogs
But we celebrate
because it’d be silly
if we didn’t. #fourth
I’ve no shortage of
commitment to things that are
much less than long-term.
I’ve no commitment
to things that are sustaining
in any real way.
I’ve many ways to
earn money, small pocketfuls
weekly but most dull.
I’ve few ways to breathe
creative breaths, so haiku
are sparse and worthless.
There is no home here.
There is Clementine, work
and the blue ocean.
I’m trying to save, that worth saving
I’m trying to rid, that worth ridding
I’m trying to collide my insides
I’ve learned much more from
watching Dr. Katz than from
watching Dr. Phil.
#IveneverwatchedDrPhil
#IllneverwatchDrPhil
I can’t spell the change
Came in slow waves, sheets of grey
Now I have to pee
Upon the arrival of a slightly abrupt
reflection, I’m lost.
It’s the little things
as I’m learning the secrets of patience and peace.
And then an airplane
or a train,
motorcycle
THRUST back to blue sludge.
My brain is a blue sno-cone.
With very little blue sno.
Scales in Thirds:
Scales in thirds, perhaps
useful, a bit misguided.
How doors work: open.
Mouthpiece Advice:
Make it sound nice, warm.
Or do it another way.
Nobody gives shits.
Practicing Analogy:
Trumpet playing is
stacking paper. Saxophone:
searching for treasure.
At a job fair. With a slight
cold, nice pants, bottle of scotch.
I’m Confused About What My Work Was For:
Shouldn’t there be a
funnel? Academia—————–>opportunity.
Music Can Be Fun OR Music Can’t Be Fun (*not a haiku, still good):
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about quitting music and getting a “real” job,
I wouldn’t have to quit music and get a “real” job.
We’re all going through
that time, between school and
something meaningful.
#tryingtofigureitout
#trytokeepittogether
Walkabout today
provides but momentary
clarity on my
still bottomless pit
of meaningful employment.
#whoneedsalastline…
Expression in a
limited context, able
to convey huge, small.
It perceives and smells
and breathes and lives and offers
a glimpse of both the
outward and inward depth of
a person’s sense of truth, self.
Music is a small
opportunity for you
and me to hear the
world the same for a moment.
To see along the same line.
for Dairdre
*not a haiku, still good*
Lamenting on the time I’m spending on this futon in this place where I don’t know anyone and have only small glimmers of prospects for any sort of reasonable income seems like a waste of your time as well as mine, but as it stands, that’s what I’m doing because I really have nothing else to do; the job market seems to be laughing at me and my two diplomas with no regard for my well-being.
I am starkly alone most of the day. Even when I venture out of the house, I am bombarded by, though mostly friendly strangers, strangers nonetheless and my interaction with these strangers, though mostly friendly, is not meaningful in a lasting way. I am existing next to other people as opposed to existing with other people.
Clementine is my lone social interaction and mostly, those interactions bookend my day with peacefulness and support, but still, my resolve is dwindling as the calls I get regarding gainful, let alone meaningful employment, are very few and often far between. If not for her I would go mad in this house, mad referring to my mood state, and then eventually referring to my mental state.
The peace I feel around my family and the comfort I have even in new situations with my long lasting friends is 2200 miles away. This is not a point of pity, it’s just a fact. It is my duty to provide stability for myself and in truth, sympathy from loved ones does a small bit to provide it. It’s just that, I had a fine job prior to leaving, and I was having meaningful musical experiences with some of my favorite musical people and now, I have neither. Again, not a point of pity, just a fact. This was fully expected but perhaps not adequately prepared for prior to departure. I’m making inroads on both accounts. Slow and steady.
Aloneness has afforded me opportunities to come face to face with some shortcomings in my playing, my writing, my outlook on life, my health, my habits. I have grown up a little I’m sure, and I’m willing to do a lot more than I was when I was living in a comfortable place. But this isn’t the midwest, its a city with a million people who hail from everywhere in the world and they’re all trying to “do it” here. I’m just one of them.
There is tragedy here too. From 3000 miles away we felt the vibrations of the bombs in Boston. Family and friends on both sides residing in the city left us in a panic as we gathered information. Everyone seems to be safe and sound. Truth be told, we’re reflecting a lot on how difficult it is to experience national tragedy without the support of family. We didn’t lose anyone, but we’re alone here, and we’re thinking about family that is alone out there, and appreciating fully the impact of our families. That on the back of some sour news regarding our potential future travels out of the country. So says the universe, and we start the search for the next adventure.
We live with a view of the highway, the airport, the seaport. We can hear the train and the planes and the cares and the ships all day. It’s this organized thing, not a mess at all, that I love to observe by accident. Honestly, I forget it’s there most of the day. If I do hear something abnormal, I forget about it almost as quickly as I noticed it. It’s comforting actually. I remember that about college. It’s never really quiet, but it’s not bad; it’s kind of nice.
There is exploring to do here. It’s been a bit cold, but seems to be evening out. I’m looking forward to seeing this planet with new eyes.
I’m hopeful to get a few calls this week. Seems like everything just takes a few days longer than I would like here. I’m eating better than I ever have and I’m exercising which is a shock to me as well as I’m sure a shock to those who know me well. We’re figuring out living together, being together, supporting each other, helping each other selflessly, trusting each other, respecting each other. We’re a good team for sure.
My coffee’s getting cold. This futon is uncomfortable. And it’s nice outside. There’s always that. Even when it’s crappy here, it’s nice. Love and good vibrations from the southwest coast.
Learning to say no,
as opportunities spring,
might be the best thing.
Though, most of my life
has been spent in a whirl of
thoughtless, constant “yes”.
Some sort of stand on
what you want, what you’re willing
is good for the heart.
#fearmissedopportunity
#fearentangledcircumstance
This isn’t it, work;
Relief, dread, broken-hearted.
I’m in a field.
Trying to keep my head up during the beginning stages. I’m ready, but the universe is charging.
Stifled, it’s still cool,
but slow
and grating,
I march.
Hunger and the sky.
It’s like when you look up and see a few stars, and then you look again and there are more, and then again, more.
I’ve never been here.
Never done this or taken
the chance to show you.
My skills are great, but not necessarily applicable universally.
Years in the halls with
teachers and peers and now I’m
in a fucking field.
Whimsy isn’t; light-heartedness does not come easy to me
Perhaps, it’s laughing.
The joke is perseverance
and its been a week.
Describing your skills in a packet with words is accidental iced tea.
by Drew Harris
strangely missing yous
imagined yesterdays gone
excitement takes o’er
Living in a new
place and doing a new thing.
Feeling strange and good.
Busy
highway sounds
Ocean breeze
palm trees
sand, sun
San Diego
home
burgoynealexburgoyne 